Full Circle

On March 12, 2008 - three full years ago - Paul and I arrived in Hanoi, Vietnam where I posted this blog.

It was my first time out of the country and I was dealing with some major culture shock in the first 24 hours along with some brutal jet lag.

Paul and I had also just celebrated our first wedding anniversary, we had uprooted ourselves so that all our belongings were in storage, and we literally owned no physical address whatsoever. Our car was left in some woman's driveway in a rough area of D.C. and all our mail was forwarded to Paul's parents' house. We were definitely on an adventure and I couldn't even tell you which way was up.

I had already done all my kicking and screaming when we moved away from L.A. I added in some pouts and some sob sessions somewhere between Baltimore and The White House in the following months, so by the time we hit southeast Asia I was ready to embrace my next mission: The Screenplay.

THE screenplay. (Yes, the one I've been working on this whole time.)

You see, finding out that one's identity is not where you plant your feet, was a huge lesson for me. Now that I was in this strange land with this strange, new version of myself, what next? I could only look so far into the future. Paul may or may not get accepted to business school. We may or may not end  up near the Boston area. I may or may not do some acting there. I may or may not....blah blah blah. I had no idea what was to become of me and all this pent up creative talent I had in me needing to burst forth!

So I did what any person would do. I prayed. You see, because I had an idea for a story. A story I felt needed to be told. But like most HUMONGOUS endeavors, I'm not going to do it if it's not right for me to do it. And the only person who knows is God himself.

So His answer was "yes". A small yes but a yes nonetheless. So I got to work. In Vietnam. After spending the morning in a bus all over the city and teaching elementary school kids English, I'd ride the bus back to our shared apartment and sit on the hardest little wooden bed and wrack my brain for a beginning. An image. A feeling. It began there and it grew.

                                                         Hanoi 2008

And for the next three long, tormented, agonizing, hopeless, awful, challenging, bury-me-now, I-just-want-this-to-be-over, why-am-I-not-finished, I want to die! years, I found courage in the face of fear and faith in the moments of doubt. And it was so worth it.

                                           Zion 2009

                                                        New Hampshire 2010

I tried to work on it everywhere we went and if I wasn't working on it I was thinking about it- which is a way of working on it...  Carrying books and notepads, journals and sticky notes, quotes and scribbles everywhere I went. To Zion park for two weeks I'd be typing away under the desert sun. In John and Heather's basement during a windy May. In Maine cabins on the lake with all the Smarts I'd be huddled in some chair with my pen and headphones. Waking up in New Hampshire in the middle of countless nights, tip-toeing through the dark to reach a pen and paper before lightning strikes of inspiration left me...It's all I have thought about, every single day and every sleepless night.

I finished polishing my 5th draft today and I'm finally happy with it. I'm proud of it. In fact, it rocks.

Could it be better? Always. But that's not my job anymore. This is where the village comes in. The director, the actors, the DP, the crew, the set designers...and we make it better together.

For now, I owe all the credit to God for helping me whenever I needed it, whenever I asked, and leaving me alone when I needed me...and helping me understand the difference and why that was so important for my growth. I am humbled to discover just how much He cares about what I care about- and  sometimes simply (and perhaps only) because I love and care about that something so much. If all this writing was simply for that, then that's a wonderful gift.

                                                                                                    Rome 2010

One of my favorite moments was this past summer in Italy. I was kneeling in the hot dirt tying grape vines in the middle of the countryside. I was listening to my ipod pondering the day when ZAP! The idea that turned the whole theme of my story came like a bolt of lightning into my brain! I poked my head up and began running back to the house. Over ditches, through weeds under the arbors to get to a pen and paper before it left me! That was nothing short of God saying, "Here you go." He's awesome like that.

I owe a ton of credit to my husband who puts up with my daily undulating emotions of doubt and elation. Who's my biggest fan every single day without fail. I love you so much. Thank you to Corey Blake, Hilary Smoot, and Alex Meader for your inspiring insight, excitement and support. Thank you to mom and dad for always asking me how it's going. Especially when the going was rough.

                                                    Seattle 2011

 Three years is a really long time. I'm glad I didn't rush it. (Heaven knows I tried!) I may not be in Vietnam today, but my mind flashes back to my little room and the exotic sounds of the city coming through my window during those balmy afternoons. Ideas growing into images. Images giving emotions flight. Emotions deciding actions. Who knew that so much power could be born inside such a small space?

RS